Allen and Ananya got married last weekend in a Hindu ceremony that took place in Ananya’s hometown of Bettendorf, IA.  We were swept up in 5 days of wedding events while we were there.  I love Ananya’s family and the community they have there in the Quad Cities area.  

At a large dinner party with their family friends before the wedding we were directed to the basement floor for dessert and music after dinner.  The family’s two sons, about 16 and 20, sang sweet love songs to celebrate Allen and and Ananya.  The younger son and his girlfriend sang with a back up track.  The older son accompanied himself on the piano.  I appreciate the confidence of these young men to sing for everyone and their connectedness to family and community.

A day later we were having a puja, a Hindu prayer ceremony, at Arun and Pudmuja’s house(Ananya’s parents).  There were 20-30 family and friends around.  One thing that is different about these Hindu ceremonies we have learned is that strict attention is not required.  Those in attendance can move around, talk quietly, have a snack, then check back in to follow the ceremony.  There was a young boy there, about 9, who seemed like a live wire as is typical for boys that age.  He wasn’t bad but naturally his parents expended some effort channeling his energy and questions.  When the puja ended I was surprised to hear the boy’s mom say that her son would like to sing for us.  He was lolling on the floor at the time.  What could a young boy possibly have to offer?  Without protest, he straightened up and began singing in Telegu, the language of this southern Indian community, a beautiful rhythmic tune.  Then an amazing thing happened.  Instead of awkwardly listening, the Indian friends and family joined in with the boy with big smiles enjoying the song.  It was beautiful.

There were a number of pre-wedding ceremonies where we, the parents, and the Hindu priest would anoint Allen and Ananya with oil and spices.  And there was the Haldi ceremony where we poured turmeric water over their heads while they sat in little plastic pools in the backyard.  Typically the parents would go first in these ceremonies, then the close family, then the whole community in attendance would take their turn, touching the couple, offering oil and spices, connecting them to us all.

The wedding itself took place under some trees behind the clubhouse of the local golf club.  There is a beautiful turn in the river there.  Allen made his appearance first at about 7:30 am on horseback.  But it wasn’t the way I imagined it with the crowd quietly seated while he nervously tried to not fall off.  Instead the crowd was called to where Allen would start his ride, on his white horse with peacock feathers on its head.  Allen’s entrance was a parade with all of us in attendance.  There were drummers and LOTS of cheering.  It was a wild moment.

Jenny and I then took our place on the gazebo sized platform covered with fruit, oil, and spices where the wedding ceremony would take place.  Ananya made her entrance in her beautiful dress carried by her cousins in a shallow basket.  Anne and Amulya(Ananya’s sister) held a drape between the couple as they weren’t ready to see each other yet.  

Arun and Pudmuja, Ananya’s parents,  joined us on the platform.  The ceremonies continued for about 4 hours! But with breaks for coffee, breakfast, and snacks.  And again strict attention is not required.  Those in attendance could move about, shift their chairs into the shade, and reconnect with family and friends.  

Mostly on the platform it was Allen, Ananya, both sets of parents, and the sisters, Anne and Amulya, and the priest. .  The priest we knew from the engagement ceremony last summer.  He is a little intimidating at first chanting in Sanskrit.  But we have come to appreciate his kind eyes and quiet humor.  Jenny and I were sitting on low stools.  Once I had to lean forward to add some rice to a plate in the center.  Sitting back down in my Indian clothes I almost toppled backwards.  The priest calmly caught my forearm steadying me and giving me an amused half smile, without missing a beat of the Sanskrit prayer. 

A lot of things were passed around, tied up, and anointed on that platform during the wedding.  One moment that struck me was when Arun, Ananya’s dad, washed Allen’s feet with rose petal water.  It was so tender and loving.

At the reception that night the highlight was the dancing which came in several varieties.  Indian popular dance music is killer, I assure you, and the dj and sound system were top drawer.  But before we got to that there were 15 set dance pieces that various groupings of family and friends performed.  Jenny and I were in one dance with Arun and Padmaja .  We were in a second dance with our friends and cousins in attendance.  This is not formal dance, but rather Indian popular dance to pounding music tracks, Bollywood style.  The crowd roared encouragement and approval.  Super fun.  Special thanks to our friends and family who were able to make the trip and dance!

But the dance highlight came earlier.  It was Allen and Ananya’s set piece when they entered the hall.  Ananya is a great dancer.  For Allen to pull off his part was a big stretch.  But he killed it.  Allen is a person of capacity.

The parents and sisters were due to give toasts.  We had discussed toast strategy with Anne.  She has speaking and writing chops and we wondered a bit about what a wedding toast is supposed to be?  It is tempting to make it a roast.  Anne and I both did a little gentle roasting of Allen in our toasts. But Anne’s concluding point was typically trenchant–“Ananya and Allen both taught me this last lesson: it is okay to carry significant risk, and you should support those you love in doing so… These two taught me to lean in. To trust yourself and those around you to pick you up when you fall. It is apparent they both live their lives this way.”  Anne said Allen and Ananya’s willingness to take risks was inspiring to her.  It is inspiring to me too.

The money pitch in my toast was the following:

”–It has been a wonderful ride being Allen’s dad.  We talk a lot for which I am very grateful.  I still give him advice but a lot of the education is flowing the other way now.  Allen teaches me a lot of good stuff.  I love his insightful and original takes on politics, history, economics and philosophy.  He has recommended some of my favorite current writers.   I am happy to be his good friend as well as his dad.  

–I really admire Allen for creating the life he has for himself.  That took vision and fortitude.  And the best part is he is happy.  And he has become so much more happy since Ananya came into his life.  I am so glad to have the opportunity to get to know Ananya, Padmaja, Arun, Amulya, and their wonderful family and friends. “ 

So here’s to Allen and Ananya.